MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS – After a grueling spring term, students are returning to campus revitalized and ready to subject their bodies to a semester of heavy drinking. Columbians reported feeling “burned out” and “stretched too thin” in May, but a summer to relax and recover has left them ready to buckle down this upcoming school year.
“We shouldn’t lose sight of what we’re really here for,” said Tom Sorkin CC ‘19. While mixing a beer into his jungle juice he added, “I think this year I need to focus on expanding my horizons and trying new things.”
IN OTHER NEWS
5. Gaseous state
Econ-cardio atrophius: Nearly all of Columbia’s econ majors suffer from this devastating condition wherein the act of consistently subordinating the needs of society to personal wealth causes the heart to atrophy. Common side effects include altered mental status associated with monetary obsession, frequent use of the phrase “devil’s advocate,” and a visceral reaction to images of Senator Bernie Sanders.
Bezos summoned another worker to kiss his booboo better, and after the worker soothed his ankle with sana sana culita de rana, Bezos was ready to continue the next few steps to leave his throne.
Cornell – To no one’s surprise, Cornell’s place in the tree-fuck club is a little bit . . . artificial. You know those pine-shaped air fresheners? Yeah . .
The singer wrote, “I’m in the studio working on something special after today’s assault on democracy.” As this terrorist schemes up “something special,” D.C. residents are preparing for the worst.
Keep driving your gas-guzzling Lexuses and running the AC with the windows open, because if we keep up the good work, we can expect a big blue wave to flood coastlines across the country by 2065.
Curling fans from St. John’s to Nanaimo are bracing for what might be the most disastrous curling season since Broomgate. This time it’s not IcePad that threatens the roaring game, but rather the global pandemic known as COVID-19. With the coronavirus raging across the globe, the likelihood of a complete season—or even a local bonspiel—seems increasingly unlikely. The Federalist is monitoring the curling season and is here to give you the details, hog line to hog line.
Although Trump ignored RBG’s dying wish of being replaced after the election, she can rest easy knowing her replacement is not only from the “very disgraceful, liberal institution” where she went to law school, but he’s the president.
“They wanted me to use a green screen. Everyone knows I’m afraid of all the colors of the rainbow,” Vice President Pence explained.