Boris Johnson Begins Brexit Negotiations With Rambling List of Pubs He’s Hooked Up In

BRUSSELS – In his first public address to the European Union since being appointed Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson forwent prepared remarks, and instead impressively listed all the pubs in the United Kingdom in which he has “gotten lucky.”

A partial transcript of his remarks reads: “There was the The Hairy Fox in ‘98; The Toad Stool in Manchester; The Stout Foreskin the night Thatcher died; some broad gave me a nice “over-the-trousers-how-do-you-do” at The Slippery Porridge in Surrey; The Bouncing Cock has always been friendly to ol’ Boris. Some nice lass fruffled my funnywizzle one night under the topper while a poofter crabappled a Schermerhorn delight; The Ruddy Badger gots a pint of good time, I’ll tell you that straight; shagged a miss at The Lazy Biscuit, that’s a night left its mark…”

As of press time, European Union negotiators were having a difficult time refuting Johnson’s aggressive claims. Even the notoriously composed Chancellor Angela Merkel appeared flustered, saying, “I don’t recall that night in The Ruptured Weasel going past ‘hand stuff.’”