Desperate Bill Clinton Hunts In Vain for a First Husband Speech to Plagiarize

With the Democratic National Convention less than a week away, Bill Clinton still can’t find a single first husband speech to plagiarize.  Sources claim Clinton is determined to outshine his counterpart, Slovenian model and alleged jewelry designer Melania Trump.  She roused the Republican National Convention last night and managed to delivered several impressive lines from Michelle Obama’s 2008 convention speech with unprecedented disinterest.  Indeed, had Melania penned the words herself, she would have struggled to discuss “the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them” without adding a slight hint of vocal inflection.  But by stealing the words of a Princeton-educated attorney and black mother of two, Melania ensured she would live up to her role as vapid eye candy for Trump’s media circus.

But former President Clinton, with no copy/paste option at his disposal, worries he’ll have to draw from his own experiences in his endorsement of his wife.  And these experiences – acting as Commander-in-Chief for eight years, raising a daughter until she attended Stanford University – threaten to add personalized substance to what should be a speech of an unambitious devotee.

Bill’s wife, Hillary, is no stranger to unnecessary ambition.  As first lady, she faced a barrage of attacks from right-wingers and Democrats alike, who questioned her aspirations and wondered why she would want to spearhead a serious campaign for national healthcare.  Michelle Obama faced similar criticism for her refusal to accept her duty as a half-assed governmental socialite, instead using her position to decry violence against women.  Bill does not want to repeat this burdensome pattern; he cannot risk appearing like an asset in any way.

With no domestic inspiration, the forty-second president has decided to look overseas for help.  Rumors have surfaced that Bill plans to enlist the help of Joachim Sauer, the husband of German Chancellor Angela Merkel.  But if that plan falls through, Clinton could look to almost any other democratic nation – most of which elected female heads of state years ago.