Michelangelo’s David Claims He’s A “Grower, Not A Shower”

FLORENCE — Thousands gathered around the Galleria dell’Academia to engage with the ghost of David, Michelangelo’s statue from the early 16th century. According to experts, this is the first time a ghost has materialized before humanity since Casper’s appearance in his 1995 feature film debut.

Claiming that he had a “very important defense to make,” David held an immediate press conference in his hometown of Florence. The apparition of the Renaissance sculpture loomed around the museum halls with an indignant demeanor. Unlike the sculpture, the ghost himself was clothed.

Standing in front of the crowd of historians, religious leaders, and ghostologists in a pose not unlike that of his famed sculpture, David began his announcement: “Over the centuries, I have been the foundation of Eurocentric standards of beauty, but recently certain body parts have gone under public scrutiny, namely my penis.”

“I don’t think it’s fair for the media to make judgments about my body because it’s not indicative of who I am or what I’ve accomplished in life—besides, I’m totally a grower, not a shower,” noted David. He then paused for a moment and continued to ask, “Did you guys write that down? Let the records show that I’m a grower, not a shower. I swear.”

The phantom continued to address the crowd: “Also, Michelangelo asked me to bathe before modeling for him, so that must’ve scared little David down there. I mean, there weren’t exactly water heaters back then.”

David has also joined the ongoing body positive movement in order to take back the European Renaissance narrative. “I may not live up to modern expectations for beauty, but every part of me is consistent with the artistic conventions of the Renaissance. I am beautiful in my own way. People come in many different sizes!”

The apparition said that he wanted people learn to love themselves again, especially in the digital age where people are flooded with pornographic images that reinforce unrealistic expectations of bodies for both men and women.

According to John Browning, expert ghostologist of the History Channel, spirits are unable to ascend to the afterlife if they bear any kind of deep-seated grudge in the material world. “David most likely harbored negative self-image issues and felt the need to justify himself through typical validation-seeking male behavior,” he claims.

Michelangelo himself chose to remain dead during David’s oration, and was therefore unable to comment.