Dear Federalist, When I first arrived at Columbia in August for NSOP, I was nervous about making friends. Not because I’m shy or weird or a loser or anything. I’m very cool…
In an earth-shattering decision from the new dean of Columbia College, Dr. Josef Sorett announced to students via email that digging a tunnel to the core of the Earth will now count…
Remember that spotted lanternfly you squashed the other day? You were walking to class, and you saw it sitting on the ground, and you thought, “Why not?” And then it took off…
It was a balmy evening. I made myself a cup of tea and cracked the window. Oh, the lovely breeze. But what the lovely breeze brought in… I thought it was a…
“We understand the concerns surrounding the biological differences between Sims and humans, but we strongly believe the benefits outweigh the costs. Can a human exist for four hours as a ghost? No,…
On Thursday the CDC issued a statement about the Delta Phi Epsilon COVID strain, warning that at 69%, it has the highest fratality rate of any known virus to date. The variant’s…
Following the shocking announcement of their divorce, it is becoming increasingly unclear as to how the assets and belongings of Bill and Melinda Gates will be divided. Extremely worrying is the fact…
Econ-cardio atrophius: Nearly all of Columbia’s econ majors suffer from this devastating condition wherein the act of consistently subordinating the needs of society to personal wealth causes the heart to atrophy. Common…
Common symptoms are living vicariously through Instagram posts, touch deprivation, lucid dreaming about a life without your blue light glasses, and crying. If you find yourself experiencing these, please reach out to…
“Fuck, man. My lactose intolerance is who I am. I don’t know what I am without it. What am I gonna use as an ice-breaker? What am I gonna use as one…
