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Beau Gantz

Advice/Articles/Politics

Report: Post-Election Vibes Probably Way Better Back Home

by Beau Gantz
December 19, 2024December 19, 2024

Since Donald Trump’s victory in the November 5th presidential election, Columbia’s campus has been shrouded by turmoil and widespread liberal dread. Many students are concerned about their own safety and security, as…

Articles/On Campus

Tree Lighting Rescheduled for—Oh, There It Goes

by Beau Gantz
December 5, 2024December 5, 2024

Columbia’s annual tree lighting is a cherished tradition to students and faculty alike. This year, make sure you’re there in person when the big moment comes. Administration has rearranged the schedule to…

Articles/On Campus/Politics

Professor Indoctrinating Students Clearly Doesn’t Have Their Heart in It

by Beau Gantz
December 3, 2024December 3, 2024

One of the most important roles of a Columbia professor is to misrepresent facts to indoctrinate students into socialist, America-hating, pink-haired freaks. This is not only a part of their job description,…

Articles/New York City/On Campus

Amid City-Wide Drought, Columbia Students Vow to Continue to Not Shower

by Beau Gantz
November 23, 2024November 23, 2024

On Monday, Mayor Eric Adams and New York City’s Department of Environmental Protection declared the city’s first drought warning in 22 years. This autumn’s severe dry conditions and recent brush fires drove…

Articles/On Campus

Mary and Joseph Attempt 2nd Semester Registration

by Beau Gantz
November 22, 2024December 3, 2024

In the days of Katrina Armstrong, Interim President of Columbia, an angel of the Lord appeared to Mary in an email, and spoke to her, announcing :  “Dear advisees,  I hope your…

Articles/On Campus/Opinion

“These Protests Are Ruining My Classic College Experience,” Says Student at Protest University™

by Beau Gantz
October 28, 2024October 22, 2024

In a brave and controversial stand, one courageous student has spoken out against the devastating impacts of student protests. “These protests are ruining my classic college experience,” writes John Blutarsky, a sophomore…

Advice/Articles/On Campus/Politics

KNOW YOUR RIGHTS: No One Can Stop You From Farting in Butler

by Beau Gantz
October 28, 2024October 22, 2024

PSA TO CURRENT COLUMBIA STUDENTS:  As tensions on campus heighten and the administration furthers their crackdown on student groups, guests on campus, and security protocols, it’s essential that you, as a student,…

Articles/On Campus

It’s That Time of Year Again! Alma Is Demanding a Worthy Sacrifice 

by Beau Gantz
October 28, 2024October 22, 2024

Autumn has arrived in Morningside Heights, and around the Low Library steps that means one thing: The statue of Alma Mater is furiously demanding a sacrifice worthy of her greatness.  Yep, Fall…

Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus

Every Meal at Ferris Now Requires a Two-Hour Discussion Section

by Beau Gantz
October 25, 2024October 25, 2024

Columbia Dining recently announced that, effective immediately, any student who purchases a meal at Ferris Booth Commons must also enroll in a weekly discussion section.  “We recognize that content is understood more…

Articles/On Campus

I LIVED IT: I Went In My Room and My Roommate Was In There

by Beau Gantz
October 17, 2024October 17, 2024

It was a Wednesday. I had just absolutely bombed a Calc midterm, and I was once more considering dropping out and joining the Navy. My spirits were low.  “No matter,” I thought.…

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