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Ava Lyon-Sereno

Articles/Barnard/Laura Rosenbury/On Campus

Barnard’s New Ethics Reporting Hotline Receives Flood of Reports About President Rosenbury

by Inica Kotasthane and Ava Lyon-Sereno
April 18, 2025April 18, 2025

Do you like being an annoying little jerk à la Home Alone (1990)? Were you the kid that reminded the teacher about homework at the end of class? Well if you’re also…

Articles/On Campus

Legacy Students at Columbia Given Preferential Admission

by Ava Lyon-Sereno
April 13, 2025April 13, 2025

In recent campus news, Columbia representatives announced that legacy admission students would now be given a leg up in getting into the university: “We believe that the debates about the impact of…

Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus/Sports

Student-Athletes Riot in Response to Ferris Egg Shortage

by Ava Lyon-Sereno, Inica Kotasthane and Kimberly Wing
April 11, 2025April 24, 2025

Columbia Dining recently announced that, due to Trump’s newly enacted eggonomic policies, each student would be limited to two eggs per day. Egg consumption will be tracked via CUID and cross-referenced by…

Articles/Business/On Campus/Politics/The Core

“The Art of the Deal” To Be Added to Contemporary Civilization Curriculum

by Ava Lyon-Sereno
March 24, 2025March 24, 2025

President Katrina Armstrong has declared that The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump will be added as required reading in all CC classes beginning next semester. “I know some community members…

Articles/Politics

President Trump Unveils the Committee On Containing Knowledge

by Ava Lyon-Sereno and Aron Shklar
February 14, 2025February 13, 2025

Last week President Trump announced the erection of a new body: the Committee On Containing Knowledge (C.O.C.K.), tasked with erecting standards for educational material. Described as “the climax of our efforts to…

Articles/Politics

Melania Trump or Black Browed Albatross?

by Ava Lyon-Sereno
February 14, 2025February 13, 2025

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Articles/Food and Drink/On Campus

Koronet’s Komforter: My Dorm Hasn’t Turned the Heat On So I’m Using a Jumbo Cheese Slice to Stay Warm

by Ava Lyon-Sereno
December 9, 2024December 5, 2024

Come one! Come all! Hear ye this tale of woe, and depart with a new hack for this dreadful winter season. A fortnight ago, ‘twas shiveringly cold in my dormitory. I tossed…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Pop Culture/Science and Technology

Sidechat User Is Added To The DSM-5

by Ava Lyon-Sereno
October 28, 2024October 22, 2024

In a stunning recent report, the American Psychiatric Association announced that the diagnosis of “Sidechat User” would be added to the next update of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders…

Articles/Minouche Shafik/On Campus

New Policy Implemented to Honor Former President Shafik: Public Safety Will Be Replaced With The Royal Guard

by Ava Lyon-Sereno
September 30, 2024September 29, 2024

The Royal Guard requirements will be strict: each recruit must be under 5’6 in recognition of Columbia’s shortest presidential run. Long live the Baroness! …

Articles/On Campus/Pop Culture

Moo Deng STUNS Around Campus

by Ava Lyon-Sereno
September 26, 2024September 26, 2024

Moo Deng Falls Asleep During All-Nighter in Butler, Blows Snot Bubble Moo Deng Waits for 12oz Chai Latte in Liz’s Place Moo Deng and Her Mother Take Typical Family Photo With Alma…

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