Columbia University announced this week that, along with its yearly flu shot program, the University would also be offering free peptide injections in partnership with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Championed by worm-controlled, fleshy-exoskeleton RFK Jr., the program hopes to “help Members of the Columbia Community control their own health against the irreparable and persistent harm of pharmaceutical giants.”
The University subcommittee on subcommittees for health issued a statement to assuage a concerned student body: “The only thing that the peptides will give you is some hair on your chest. This school is full of these snowflake majors! ‘Liberal’ arts, I mean we aren’t even hiding it anymore!”
The Fed was able to reach Robert “Flatworm” Kennedy Jr. as he slunk between his backyard sulfuric swamp mud bath and his eye-watering lead paint fume respiration chamber. When the Fed asked about concerns that the program was designed as a breeding ground for parasitic worms, Robert F. “Ketamine” Jr. stated: “The woke left is trying to convince you NOT to take peptides because they will raise your T and make your worm grow four inches.” He continued that it would “allow innocuous assimilation to the worm hive mind.” He then issued a gravelly warning: “Your ‘early bird’ news organization is trying to stop truth seekers from Making America Wor—erm—HEALTHY Again!”
