My favorite Fed articles to write are lists. Now that I am graduating, here are lists I didn’t have the chance to make, but some unsuspecting freshman next year might feel inclined to benefit from.
- Girls characters ranked in order from most like your freshman roommate to least
- Sex positions quiet enough that your roommate won’t awaken from their slumber
- Clubs you joined once and never returned to, ranked by how often they still email you
- Dining hall lines ranked by how existential they make you feel
- Ways students carry tote bags ranked by performative efficiency
- Male subtypes at Columbia ranked by most likely to date your hot Philosophy professor to least
- Email subject lines from professors ranked by how much they ruin your day
- Ways to avoid eye contact in the crowd at Senior Night
- Library seat reservation methods ranked by psychological warfare intensity
- Valid reasons to procrastinate, email me this: zms2126@barnard.edu
- Campus benches you could film a YouTube “overnight challenge” on
- Absence excuses you can use when you have already missed over 5 classes and your Coachella dump is blowing up on your public Instagram
- Student plays ranked by how much inappropriate laughter you had to stifle
- Ways to turn the conversation back to yourself, mainly compliments
- Federalist list ideas I will pitch to a crowd of adoring admirers during my last meetings
