Dearest Illustrious Professoress Tal Malkin,
When I was a child, my mom (who is closely affiliated with the trustees of Columbia University and recently named as most generous donor for her monetary contributions to the construction of the massive bust of Mnookin to be placed on the Sundial) asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I replied, a student of your MW 10:10 am [COMS W3261] Computer Science Theory: Computability – Models – Computation class.
I am unable to attend your 8:40 am class. I have ADHD (self-diagnosed and severe), I need to stay up on Sunday nights to see the Euphoria drops for my mental health, and I am scared of Ferris before 9 AM because that’s when the rowers are there. Additionally, I am culturally left-handed which has been proven to result in shorter lifespans. Also, I met a Native American person once, and we had a lot in common, and I really feel like I resonate with their experiences of systemic oppression as someone who grew up lower upper class. Moreover, I am brunette.
In conclusion, ask not what you can do for your students, but what your students can do for you. Laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, Ikea construction—know that I am unafraid to stoop. I will be your body double in a fight. I will climb the highest peaks to harvest the sweetest fruits so that they may grace your cavernous maw.
Thank you for your thoughtful consideration. I trust that you will make the best choice for your career.
Very humbly and also respectfully,
Dez Perataux I
[Attached: Photo copy of a twenty-dollar bill and Jamba Juice™ gift card.]
