NEW YORK – In a stunning admission from the Office of University Life, Columbia officials confirmed Wednesday that the CUEMS ambulance parked near the Broadway gates has directly caused more bodily harm than it has prevented, with an estimated 4,200 student-on-student collisions since being moved there just six weeks ago. This is compared to just three documented medical interventions, one of which involved aiding a student who tripped on the rear bumper.
“We remain committed to the safety of our campus community,” said one administrator, whilst gesturing toward the vehicle forcing two visibly confused freshmen into each other on the sidewalk. “The ambulance is a critical part of our emergency infrastructure, and we have no plans to move it at this time. Also, even if we wanted to, we could not afford it.”
CUEMS took 11 business days to reply to our request for comment.
