May this year bring you happiness, prosperity, and a relentless desire to bring up shit from the past and dissect it until you go blue in the face. In this new year, you will experience professional success, a broadening of your worldview, and a titillating conversation with your high school friend group, confirming you were right in ousting Rachel from the prom limo group because she definitely got the same dress as Bethany on purpose. On the horizon is likely a lover that sweeps you off your feet, as well as a heated Facetime with your brother over who’s responsible for getting that 2011 family trip to Hawaii canceled. Be sure to avoid two-faced friends and be wary of mentioning anything about air fryers within three miles of your freshman year roommate (even though everyone knows she’s the one who left it out during room check in fall 2022).
Year of the Horse? More Like Year of Beating the Dead Horse
