According to sources close to the Office of the President, new University President Jennifer Mnookin reportedly cracked her knuckles, opened up her laptop, and created an email draft with the subject line “Hiya There!” “There’s a new sheriff in town, Columbia,” said Mnookin in a low voice while miming smoking a cigarette. “Or should I say…a Mnoo, a m-new, a, um, a mnew sheriff in town. A Mnookin sheriff in town. Heck yes.”
“I know I might seem like a friendly Wisconsinite, but be warned. I’m a lethal weapon. Yeah. A weapon of mass destruction. A Mnooklear bomb,” said Mnookin as she put a stock photo of smiling students on a Pinterest board titled “2026 Columbia Vibes.”
“I came to Columbia for two reasons: to chew bubblegum and to capitulate to the federal government. And I still have a lot of bubblegum I’ve yet to unpack from my suitcase. However, I can multitask, so I’ll probably do both things simultaneously. Looking forward to it!”
Leaked footage obtained by The Fed shows Mnookin later that same day, waiting outside a meet-and-greet with some esteemed faculty. She appeared to be hyping herself up by mumbling Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” under her breath. After a few moments the video shows Mnookin abruptly begin flexing and yelling to herself, “I’m going MNOOKIN MODE!” She then composed herself, walked into the event, and politely greeted the audience.
Last week, The Fed approached Mnookin for comment in her office. She seemed to be struggling with the day’s Wordle and told us to “stay away from [her] for [our] own safety.” She then guessed the word “CHEES” and said, “I’m so close. Just let me do this. Let me cook. Let me…Mnook. Let Mnook. I almost have it.”
The Fed looks forward to learning more about Presnook in the coming weeks.
