A Cycle of Grief: Quesadilla Theft at JJ’s
Winston Vuong
HEARTWRENCHING — As Columbia students returned to campus following the new year, frequenters of the premier late-night dining hall, JJ’s Place, reported a drastic spike in stolen orders. In a recent investigation by The Fed, we discovered that this form of theft, like a fart, is silent, but deadly: a patron orders, the chefs prepare it, and the criminals strike. The crime has been especially prevalent among quesadilla orders—the hottest JJ’s menu item—and has led us to investigate how the victims, stripped of their dignity, are coping amidst the tragedies.
In an interview with The Fed, a recent victim of the inhumanity recalls his disturbing experience. “Honestly, I stood in that line with no food or water for maybe half an hour—and all I wanted was this damn quesadilla. While I waited for them to finish my order, I thought to myself that, God forbid, I’d have time to get a cup of Dr. Pepper. I was WRONG.”
At this point in the interview, the student became visibly emotional and requested a moment to compose themselves before continuing. “When I heard them call my order,” he sniffles, “I ran over just to see nothing but a barren, lifeless, empty counter. I asked the staff, the students—no one knew who took it. Hopeless, I turned to my friends, and all they kept saying was ‘Why didn’t you stay at the counter?’ ‘Why didn’t you watch over it?’ Like, excuse me? What kind of a fatass stalks the chefs when they make our food? I was hungry, not big.”
The Fed has observed this pattern of emotional distress throughout the numerous victims we continued to observe: food is stolen, denial sets in, and grief follows. This particular student has since filed a report with the NYPD for further review, and concluded with what he can only hope will happen. “I don’t want apologies. I want justice. Lock that bitch up.”
JJ’s Food Review: “I Just Ate the Most Bomb Quesadilla”
Sasha Maroulis
With the spring semester getting underway, our Columbia Federalist reporters ventured into JJ’s to see what students were snackin’ on. One particular interview subject, who asked to remain anonymous, raved about the ordering system at JJ’s.
“Yeah, this was my first time in JJ’s since maybe September, and it was so smooth getting my food,” claimed the student. “I grabbed one of those chicken quesadillas they leave out next to the burgers, and it was so gas, bro. It did take, like, 30 seconds for them to make it, which is kinda annoying, but I’m fine with waiting, honestly.”
The student explained to our team that the JJ’s quesadilla system is superior to Diana’s.
“At Diana, you have to wait in a line, and it just takes forever. At JJ’s, you can just swipe one up, and then you’re chillin. Anyone who says the waits are long at JJ’s just doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”
