Following an extensive investigation by the Columbia University Senate, the recently-installed ice cream station at John Jay has been revealed as the product of a board member’s feeder kink. The board member allegedly had a 500 GB hard drive containing concerning materials, including a file ranking students, referred to as ‘piggies,’ who had freshman-fifteened the most aggressively since the induction of the ice cream station.
The accused member, Gregory Glutton, (CC ‘51), denies the allegations, stating that he has “absolutely no desire to watch young, attractive, and pleasantly rotund students slurp down Cookie Monster ice cream.”
In response to the revelation, the Barnard BDSM Society has released a statement via Instagram Stories: “While we stand with the kinkiest members of our Columbia community, especially those within the increasingly marginalized feeder community, we oppose non-consensual scenarios like these unless all parties agree to it.”
Glutton has refused to step down and has instead appointed himself as Special Envoy to Student Safety, placing himself on duty at John Jay from open to close to “catch the real culprit.”
