“Welcome to campus!” they say with a smile, taking off your coat as they roll out the red carpet. One member of the committee brings you a hot cup of coffee while another throws themself on the ground to worship at your feet. Ever since Columbia renamed the Allied Security Guards to the Greeting Committee, student satisfaction has soared to unprecedented rates. Recent polls show 90% of students report increased feelings of superiority and haughtiness on campus. In an interview with The Fed, one student remarks, “Before the rename, it used to just feel like any other college campus. Now, it finally feels like home.”
When asked what prompted this sudden change, an anonymous Columbia administrator explained, “Opening the gates? No, no, no, that simply would not have been feasible. Rebranding is what it’s all about. We didn’t even spend any money on this change—the guards took it upon themselves to do the rest. And look at the results—the students are thrilled! It’s amazing what a little initiative with zero commitment to increased spending can accomplish.”
