Fran Splant, CC ’29, was recently spotted wearing a sweatshirt with ‘It Will Always Be New York or Nowhere’ printed on the back. The Fed verified this information with various third-party sources, including the barista at the 113th Street Blue Bottle, where Splant frequented that same morning. “Look, Fran is a close friend of mine and I grew up in Queens and I really have no problem with her wearing the sweatshirt,” divulged Splant’s friend, Kavi Gupta. “But, like, girl … you’re from Los Angeles. You lived there your whole life up until NSOP. I just don’t get why she’s trying to be someone she’s not. Especially considering she doesn’t even know how to navigate her way out of Manhattan without calling an Uber … but I don’t want to start any drama. Love ya, Fran!”
The Fed spoke to linguistics expert Professor Eliza Booth about the implications of the phrase ‘It Will Always Be New York or Nowhere’ in the context of Splant’s sweatshirt. “There are definitely some huge concerns I have,” Booth told us, “especially with the words ‘Always’ and ‘Nowhere.’ If it was ‘Always New York or Nowhere’ for this young woman, does she claim to have lived in a void up until she matriculated at Columbia? I would hardly call the bustling metropolitan area of Los Angeles nowhere.” Professor Booth also expressed unprompted worry for Splant’s mental health, saying, “Is she living in some delusion where New York City has been ‘calling’ her since she was a child? Does the entirety of her knowledge of the city come from Pinterest boards and the Sharpay spin-off movie? I hope she has a set of trusted family and friends that she can go to when she goes below 110th Street for the first time, because that kind of disillusionment has been known to kill. Not that I would know…”
Splant denied a request to comment for this article.
