Columbia junior Hugh Jaddict has quite the reputation, but it certainly isn’t due to his work ethic. That’s why his appearance in the Butler main silent reading room late last Saturday night naturally caused quite the stir around campus. He had never been seen in a library before, so why was he suddenly studying in a panic? Rumors quickly began circulating that Jaddict must have received a failing grade on one of his midterms, gotten caught turning in a 10-page paper written entirely by Chat-GPT, or been put on academic probation. Though Jaddict confirmed these were all true, he decided to disclose the real motivation for his sudden lock-in to our Fed investigative team.
“I’ve already blown nearly all of my $200 in bonus bets on NBA games today,” Jaddict said. “The only path back to profitability for me is to use my Deposit Match promo and hit on a calm five-legger.” He proceeded to open his computer to show what he’d been working on: an enormous Excel spreadsheet containing advanced statistical data for hundreds of players in the Korean Baseball League. “The games start at 4 AM Eastern Standard time,” Jaddict told us. “So basically, I’ve got a couple more hours to get this five-leg parlay exactly right.”
Jaddict informed our team that he refuses to use Chat-GPT for such a task, shockingly claiming: “It just can’t ever replicate human skill.” He reported that he had already settled on a couple of legs for his bet, including Koo Ja-wook over 0.5 home runs and Park Yeong-hyun under 6.5 strikeouts. Jaddict insisted these were “locks” and that his bet was “basically free money.”
Our reporters didn’t stick around to see the end result of Jaddict’s research because they went to sleep like normal people. They left him as he wheeled in a chalkboard and began sketching out a complex Bayesian statistical equation to determine his fourth leg. The Fed sends our best wishes to Jaddict, who told us this would be a “big win” that would finally put him “only $600 in the red.”
