‘Twas the night before my midterm, when all through the floor
The athletes were stirring, those terrible whores.
Their mouths pierced the restful reading room with flair,
In hopes that one and all would give them the stare;
The blabbermouths were rapt, all verbose in their seats;
With visions of fruzz and amorous deceits;
And I in my earplugs, and they in their team gear,
Had just settled in for a long night, it did seem clear.
When into my ear there snuck such a story,
I popped out a plug to better hear the oratory.
Halfway through their convo, I started to detect
Women hating women, all but unchecked!
Comments on the breasts of newly enrolled students,
Gave a wave of displeasure to me in a true sense.
When what to my wandering eyes did appear,
But an opened Instagram profile and four distinct sneers.
Cruel, sexist juniors so hurtful and sadistic,
I knew in a moment they were misogynistic.
More callous than clever, their reproaches they came,
And they criticized, and shouted, and used first and last name:
“What a slut! What a tramp! And face only a mother could adore!”
“On God! Cause on what planet would that be an impressive score!”
“From the tits! to the ass!”
“Everything about her is simply subclass!”
As conversations go eavesdropped on the Morningside campus,
When I overheard that auditory assault, I could hardly withstand this;
So on to the team rosters I went,
With a head full of plots to make them repent.
And then, in a second, I had in my power
The method and means to make them truly cower.
Using the student directory—thank God it exists,
I began to sign them up for every possible email list!
Reverse mortgages and Jehovah’s Witnesses galore,
And I even found a registration for veterans of the Vietnam War!
From my steadfast locked-in-ness, this effort most certainly did detract
But I had to ensure those muscular morons were thoroughly attacked.
My mind—how it raged! their faces, too cheery!
I started to contemplate forcibly removing them from this library…
I quickly exclaimed, ere I should lose my might—
“I don’t give a fuck you’re all ripped, let’s go outside and fight!”
