After the Barnard Wellness Spot announced its “Claytastic! Build-A-Vagina” event this Wednesday, the male Columbia community was quick to erupt in outrage.
“This is so fucking unfair,” CC sophomore Richard Johnson told us. “I want to be able to build genitalia out of clay, but I’m being unfairly restricted because of my gender. Just one example of the everyday discrimination men face in our modern age.”
For once, Columbia was quick to address student concerns. This morning, Dodge Fitness Center announced its own event, “Dodge Dick Day,” occurring at the same time as the original event. This event will encourage male-identifying students to get in touch with their manhood by building enormous clay penis sculptures in the Blue Gym. Students are encouraged to harshly judge the sizes of each others’ sculptures, and are invited to bring in multicolored pipe cleaners to decorate the base.
The Fed interviewed Richard Johnson again after the event was announced. “Let’s fucking go!” Richard told us. We tried to ask him some further questions, but he was too busy dapping up his friends.
Although, believe us, we’re as excited as the next guy about this, The Fed is legally required to include a disclaimer: these phalluses are not AT ALL anatomically correct or even remotely proportional.
