With local tensions rising over Columbia’s (possibly illegal) decision to have campus remain closed to residents of Morningside Heights, the administration has proposed a new program aiming to “sweeten” relations with residents.
“We’re pleased to announce our ‘Morningside Morsels’ initiative,” a university representative proclaimed last Friday morning. “While Columbia’s gates will be closed to the public for the foreseeable future, we want to recognize our place in the community by giving back to it. Therefore, between the hours of 7:30pm and 9:45pm on October 31, members of the Morningside community will be able to go to select university gates to collect Halloween candy (limit three pieces per person).
In order to enforce this strict three-piece policy, Public Safety will be posted at each of the m gates to carefully monitor candy acquisition. Residents are warned that Public Safety officers are empowered with stop-and-frisk privileges if there is adequate suspicion of candy theft. “We only have so much room in the budget for Twix Bars,” said the university representative.
Further clarification was also provided on which Morningside residents were eligible for this generous offer. The university representative told The Fed, “After careful consultation with the sociology department, we’ve decided that residents aged seven-12 are acceptable trick or treating candidates. Those doing so above the age of 12 are at best losers and at worst potential political agitators. As such, all trick or treaters are required to bring a valid form of government ID to avail themselves of the candy. NYPD officers will be stationed at the entrances checking for fakes, so don’t even think about pretending you’re 12 if you aren’t. Similarly, trick or treaters without identification will be handled with force if necessary.”
The announcement concluded with the usual remarks regarding Columbia’s community commitment, as well as the promise that giving away Jolly Ranchers and Hersheys would “put Columbia on track to address and ameliorate the previous two years of inconvenience to Morningside Heights.”
