MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, MANHATTAN:
In a move being hailed as a triumph of efficiency, Columbia announced in a press release this morning that its Administrator-to-Student ratio has reached a historic 720:1. According to Federalist sources familiar with current enrollment numbers, that would mean that there are over 25,000,000 administrators currently employed by the university, with thousands more being hired every day.
“Our vision”, wrote Acting President Shipman in the release, “is that no student should ever have to walk 15 feet again without encountering at least one University Administrator.”
“This is incredible news,” said a member of the newly-formed Office of the Assistant Vice Chancellor of the Senior Associate Secretary of the Provost’s Trustee Board, who wishes to remain anonymous. “Every new hire is a renewed commitment toward the University’s mission,” she said.
Not everyone is pleased with these new changes. One Professor in the history department, who also wished to be kept anonymous, tragically missed the birth of his first and only child while waiting in a line to exit campus. “Now my mother-in-law won’t even look at me, much less fold my laundry,” he said. According to insiders, the Board of Trustees is officially scheduled to meet on June 3rd, 2031, from 2:15-2:20 to address the issue, provided a quorum is met.
In a response to a Fed request for comment on what the future holds, Columbia confirmed that the next wave of hires will be a 200-person search committee for the Business School’s next Title IX coordinator. Updates to follow.
