Following the start of students’ meal plans this academic year, several Barnard students have observed an alarming influx of testosterone at Hewitt Dining Hall.
Hewitt Dining Hall is one of the few places on campus that candidly displays both the caloric and protein content of each culinary creation, so it’s an obvious choice for a football player looking to gain some muscle. But as the ogling and unsolicited workout advice continues, Hewitt patrons have begun to wonder: Are these men really here for the food, or are they looking to get themselves a Barnard baddie? Don’t they know we’re all either lesbians or emotionally unavailable?
One Barnard student angrily told The Fed, “I was in Hewitt grabbing my kosher, halal, vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, low-carb water, when all of a sudden I turned around to find six feet of muscle staring down at me with a bowl of unseasoned dryer-than-my-bank-account grilled chicken, asking me if the tofu was creatine-infused!”
More Barnard students were reportedly seen dodging clouds of protein powder, and Hewitt staff have added a “grunt-free” section to the dining hall, though enforcement has proven difficult.
One basketball player was allegedly spotted handing out resumes to prospective mates advertising the following:
- 8% body fat
- Cried during the Barbie movie
- Understands clitoral stimulation
Following a particularly disturbing incident involving the cornering of Barnard’s singular straight student like a rare Pokemon, the Barnard SGA released a statement requiring that all romantic advances towards Barnard students be submitted via Google Form. This form will include space for submitters to indicate their bench press PR and a notarized affidavit affirming that they know what Plan B is.
