Heartbreaking cries echoed across campus last night as highly disturbing news broke: Paul’s Baby Grand is officially shutting down. In response, the students of the European variety have erected a roadside memorial at 115th and Amsterdam for anyone who wishes to join them in mourning. They have requested that all passersby not wear jeans, athletic wear, or sneakers at that corner out of respect.
This announcement arrived on the heels of Columbia’s new campus policies, which have adjusted access to the campus through extended hours, additional gates, and an enhanced security system. After waiting in a 15-minute line, rushed students will now have the opportunity to tap their ID on two machines and be manually checked in by a security officer to ensure that nobody under 21—sorry, no non-Columbia affiliates— can gain entry.
Due to these changes, Columbia’s beloved NoCo entrance has now been named one of the top 10 hardest doors in NYC, bumping Paul’s Baby Grand clean off the list. Massive crowds of young people now wait outside of Columbia’s doors, eager to try their luck and see what the hype is all about (or maybe just go to class). Worse, students now spend so much time in the Columbia lines that it’s already 11 PM by the time they even get to class, leaving them no time to UberXL to Paul’s. Without the time to go downtown, clubs such as Jean’s, Joyface, and Gospel have joined Paul’s pleas for financial assistance.
Sources close to Mr. BabyGrand himself—also known as Paul—reported to The Fed that he felt so embarrassed by this knock that he is closing down all Paul’s franchises permanently, effective immediately. In his final executive summary letter, he wrote, “If Columbia students can’t come drinking with unemployed 40-year-olds on a Tuesday night, why am I even in this business?”
The Fed‘s trusted source also recently revealed that fortunately his spirits have been lifted by the old Columbia proverb as quoted by Acting University President Claire Shipman in her most recent email: “Columbia’s kind of like a club if there was no dancing or music or illegal activities, but still a lot of people that were scared to make eye contact with each other.”
