Columbia University is determined to seeing that all class day ceremonies and Commencement occur without a hitch. In this spirit, we have added your mom to all University Committees to ensure that there are no barriers to any events. Whenever something totally normal happens at Columbia, like the federal government demanding oversight of the university, all your mom thinks about is making sure you’ll have a graduation. This single-minded determination is part of the reason the University added your mom to all committees. She’s been waiting for this moment for twenty-two years, and NOTHING will get in her way. Your mom will break down any obstacle to not having graduation. Your mom will direct traffic in the line outside the gates, your mom will jump police barricades, your mom will enforce the rule of law – all as long as you can wear your wrinkly blue gown in peace. Your mom’s first order of business will be making sure she gets a front-row seat to film you with her thumb over the camera when you cross the stage and get your diploma. Other agenda items are yet to be revealed, but will ensure you have an Ivy League diploma in your hands (or her hands) this May 21st.
REPORT: Your Mom Added to All University Committees to Make Sure Graduation Happens
by Izzy Szyfer
