In a shocking discovery, an investigation by The Fed has confirmed that Yik Yak—one of Columbia’s foremost news institutions, second only to The Fed—is a sting operation run by the University’s psychology department.
Fed reporters first became suspicious while reviewing open research positions in the department. One assistantship title was different from the rest: “Student Social Media Post Monitor.” The responsibilities included offering awful romantic advice and circulating paranoia-inducing posts.
The student researcher, who wishes to stay anonymous, informed Fed reporters that she was being paid upwards of $10,000 a week as part of a study monitoring student behavior on the Columbia Yik Yak.
“Every time you asked for advice on your situationship, confessed to cheating, or asked which bars you could get into, we saw it,” she said. “Every time you deleted your post because it got two downvotes, we saw that too. We have a whole file of those.”
In an exclusive interview with The Fed, Principal Investigator Sir Veillance addressed demands for the release of the study’s results, arguing, “We don’t need to tell you what we found. You know what you posted.”
Veillance then informed us that disciplinary action was imminent, although we’ve been unable to determine if the threat was part of the study or not.
Shortly after The Fed contacted the psychology department for comment, a new post appeared reading: “Does anyone else think The Fed is getting kinda paranoid?”
At the time of the article’s release, the post had 2,304 upvotes. There are eyes everywhere.
