When Barnard student [name] checked her email, she expected to see that her mail was processed and she would soon be waiting in an eternal line up the steps of Diana. What she found was worse. A disciplinary meeting summons. The subject line? “Get That Weak Shit Out of Here. Ballet Flats Now Mandatory.”
Bystanders gawked as a horde of Barnard’s least fashionable, most offline, and, really, let’s be honest here, evilest students flocked to the meeting.
“I mean, I saw them walking, and I figured someone made, like, an anti-fashion magazine or something,” said a Barnard student wearing jorts with a wired headphone jack tucked into the front pocket.
While The Fed was unable to obtain the full notes from the meeting, the accused report that the Student Conduct Board presented an otherwise unedited Canva template reading: “Sambas, Doc Martens, and those fugly Steve Madden wedge sneakers aren’t cutting it, you’re not in North fucking Dakota anymore. Up yours.”
The Board followed up the meeting by sending a school-wide email announcing RAs would now ensure compliance with mandatory ballet flat ownership during scheduled room checks. Residents owning two or more pairs will receive access to a private bathroom.
“We’ve got a reputation to uphold,” said College officials when asked for comment on the new rules. “We can’t have Barnard students be mistaken for Columbia College mainstream normies. I mean, what’s next, sweatpants to class? T-shirt to the dining hall? Imagine the chaos.”
The line for mail pickup remains hours long during all operating hours as shipments of ballet flats are delivered to campus night and day in order to satisfy the new requirements.
