In a proud academic tradition that spans decades, Columbia University has unveiled its 2026 Commencement speaker; a deeply accomplished, globally respected, and entirely unrecognisable individual.
Across the city, NYU casually announced Sarah Jessica Parker as their speaker, confirming what Columbia students have long suspected:NYU operates under a different, more glamorous branch of reality.
“I’m sure our speaker is amazing,” said a graduating senior, already 14 tabs deep into Google results. “It’s just concerning that the first thing that comes up is ‘Did you mean…?’”
Sources confirm Columbia students reacted to the announcement with their signature blend of forced intellectualism and quiet panic. Within minutes, group chats were flooded with messages like, “Wait, does anyone actually know them?” and “I think they’re huge in, like… policy?”
University officials described the speaker as “visionary,” “transformative,” and “deeply aligned with Columbia values,” which students have interpreted to mean: “Not famous but will say something about resilience.”
Meanwhile, NYU seniors are reportedly preparing to be personally addressed by Carrie Bradshaw.
“It’s not that I’m upset,” said one Columbia student, visibly upset. “It’s just that she literally narrated my childhood and we’re getting someone who once wrote a paper about infrastructure.” Still, Columbia students are committed to making the most of the experience. Many have begun practicing the art of Commencement Nodding (a subtle, rhythmic motion that signals understanding without requiring any actual comprehension). “You just tilt your head slightly and smile,” explained one senior. “Like: ‘Yes… systems… impact… absolutely.’”
Others are holding out hope for a last-minute twist, citing recent Bacchanal history as proof that chaos is always an option. In particular, students fondly recall the legendary pivot to Waka Flocka Flame, who appeared unexpectedly and performed “No Hands” to a crowd that had prepared emotionally for somebody who, again, nobody has heard of. “Honestly, that’s the energy we need,” said senior, Dista Pointed (CC’26). “If this speaker cancels and Waka Flocka walks out screaming ‘NO HANDS’ while I’m in a cap and gown, I will finally feel something.” At press time, Columbia seniors were seen rehearsing polite applause, downloading NYU’s livestream, and bookmarking the speaker’s Wikipedia page “just in case it comes up in conversation later.”
Seniors will nod and smile, and they will not know who is speaking.
