We believe in difficult conversations at Columbia, but are we helping anyone by having them? Wouldn’t it just be easier if we all went along with everything that’s happening by shrugging our shoulders and not asking questions? As a university body, we should be able to tolerate ideas, facts, and opinions that we don’t like. The best way that we can make sure we are tolerant of every opinion is by making all of you shut the fuck up about everything.
Think about it! Difficult conversations are just getting too difficult. They produce too much disagreement; sometimes making class run long and causing people to miss their lunch. When you really weigh the costs against the benefits, wouldn’t it just be easier if we all went along with everything that’s happening? More time for lunch! This would also eliminate those pesky assignments that we all hate—no more discussion posts, no more term papers filled with opinions, no more deadlines to write an article for this paper. We all would just be able to recite facts given to us from the pre-approved lists, and get along with each other because we would all have the same information and thoughts.
Our years at Columbia will be some of the best in our lives, why should we muddle that experience with the conversations that cause us distress. We should be focused on the important parts of college life, going out to bars, hooking up with someone from class then it being awkward for the rest of the semester, getting absolutely jacked at the gym, and gorging ourselves at the dining halls. It will make our lives easier, our relationships easier. No longer will Columbia boys and Barnard girls be divided by their politics, we will be creating new relationships that are built on something much more important than communication, complacency. You’ll be able to move into the dorms and not worry about getting along with your new roommate because you’ll both agree and disagree equally on everything as provided to you in your orientation materials.
I think we should invest in a new initiative for approved thoughts. Under this new initiative, all student speech will be submitted in writing to a newly formed Office of Pre-Approval at least 72 business hours before utterance. This submission will be reviewed by a committee with representatives from the administration, U.S. government, translators, Twitter users and an international advisor from the CCP who specializes in free speech. Each submission will be combed for potential harmful rhetoric including but not limited to disagreement, irony, strong opinions about dining hall food, and the use of the word “but.”
In closing, I want to be clear: this institution that parents pay too much money for us to be at stands for the free and fearless pursuit of knowledge. I just think it would be better if, like the best areas of the library, we pursued that knowledge more quietly.
Signed,
Just another student
Please remove this before you publish. I can’t delete my office’s stationary on my own.
