Though it feels quite chilly, spring sports are officially in full swing at Columbia! At the same time, the University has observed a significant decline in sporting event attendance, despite promoting games with giveaways such as shirts, mugs, and gift cards. In a move to boost attendance numbers, Columbia is announcing an alternative approach for upcoming games.
“Our new plan is quite straightforward,” stated Executive Director of Columbia Athletics Cormac McBlumpkin. “For every sporting event with attendance numbers below our expectations, we will randomly select a player and break their legs with a hammer in front of spectators.”
McBlumpkin clarified that the University would begin by breaking opposing players’ legs, but that they would consider attacking Columbia athletes as well if the attendance problem persisted.
“At the end of the day, we’re doing this to support our students,” McBlumpkin clarified. “Students are going to go to more games this way, especially if it means sparing their friends.”
While McBlumpkin’s approach may sound extreme, it echoes Princeton Athletics’ infamous 1973 “Live Tiger Throwdown” event, which singlehandedly revitalized the school’s wrestling program.
