Columbia University announced in November that they are considering increasing the class sizes of Columbia College and SEAS for the next admission cycles. Though they received flack for the over enrollment of the Class of 2029, certain administrators still proposed a permanent, future increase of class size between 5% and 20%.
Students initially reacted very negatively to the proposed increase. Some claim that the overenrollment has made on campus spaces overcrowded. One such junior student, complained that “John Jay has been a zoo” ever since September and wants “these Freshman to get the fuck out his way.” Other students have complained that the libraries have been so crowded that they reportedly have to “clock a bitch” just to get a seat!
Other students, after considering it for some time, have been a bit more optimistic. Single students have been complaining about the lack of dating options at Columbia for years. Heterosexual women in particular have been dealing with the lack of viable dating options since Jake Gyllenhaal dropped out in 2000. Lexi Lorison, CC ‘28, said in an interview with The Fed that she’s excited for the change: “Marriage Pact was dry as shit this year. More huzz is more huzz.”
Pervert student Robbie Underpants, CC ‘27, said in an interview that he can’t wait for the increase. He couldn’t help but subject our Fed reporter to his fantasies of “Honeys having to sit his lap in Butler main room because there won’t be enough chairs” and “Going in on a fra diavolo mussel at John Jay ‘Lady and the Tramp’ style with a hot babe because there won’t be enough utensils to go around.”
Administrators are also handing out extra condoms throughout campus to avoid the increase of people living in Columbia Housing who are not old enough to pay full tuition.
