Early Sunday evening, an unidentified Columbia student took to Butler library, aiming to scale the limestone facade a mere 20 hours after watching Alex Honnold free solo one of the tallest skyscrapers in the world. Equipped with nothing but a back-pocket-pouch full of snow, the individual began his ascent. When questioned via megaphone by authorities as to why he brought snow on the journey instead of climbing chalk, he shouted, “Oh is that what that white stuff is? I thought it was snow.”
Despite all odds, the boy made it 6 feet up the imposing columns lining the historic library. At this point, however, he was unable to continue on. He shouted down to The Fed, “I am physically able to keep going, I just forgot to hit record on Strava.”
A different and acutely distressing perspective was outlined by one source, a supposed close friend of the rope-less climber. She reported that the stunt was part of a ploy to get Claire Shipman to notice him. The boy had a long-standing crush on the acting president ever since she stepped into office. Suspended part way up, the rope-less traveler peered through the thick glass window panes to find the New York Times article announcing Shipman’s upcoming unemployment lit up on every computer screen. The source claims the boy was likely overwhelmed with sadness and simply put, could not climb on. Shipman gave him strength that turned bone into muscle, snow into climbing chalk, and doubt into willpower. Without her, there was no longer any point.
The boy still straddles the pillars. This stunt, deemed foolish by many, goes deeper than the usual hijinks. It is not a cry for attention, but rather a plea for love, ending in loss, perseverance, and lack thereof. Perhaps one day Claire’s cold heart will melt along with the snow continuing to blanket the poor boy.
