A recent ad posted by the University revealed that a bold new committee is being assembled to combat the relentless siege known as “winter.” Existing applicants under consideration include traditional frat bros, active international students, and Vegas, our favorite bouncer, who will bravely stand between students and their icy deaths.
The mission of this committee? To clear the walkways for students and professors alike using time-honored techniques passed down through generations. Methods vary by volunteer: some favor aggressive face-first engagement, while others swear by waiting it out until nature does the job. A few true innovators have proposed radical new ideas for manual removal, such as the tried-and-true methods of snorting, dissolving under the gum, and, even rarer, rectal administration.
The University reminds students that, while snow is temporary, poor decision-making is forever. Further updates will be issued once the sidewalks are safe or once spring arrives, whichever comes first.
