Captain Bayonne, Columbia’s local bottle-flipping sensation, has recently come into the spotlight for a not-so-flipping awesome reason. Students are used to seeing him perform his special feat on Low Steps in his usual uniform: a Luchador’s wrestling mask and fantastically bright and colorful tights. However, a newer, slightly bigger spectacle has bulged into the forefront of the conversation around Bayonne. Chatter amongst students has arisen as a result of a new addition to the Captain’s performance—moving in step with the male ballerinos of the New York City Ballet, it seems that Captain Bayonne has hopped onto the trend of stuffing his dance belt to enhance his natural features.
The Fed took to Low Steps in an attempt to put their finger on the pulse and gauge student reactions to this change. An anonymous sophomore explained: “I am afraid that Captain Bayonne has fallen into the classic trap of prioritizing appearances over one’s craft. It’s a shame to see him fall prey to, like, modern beauty standards.” Another student, a junior, elaborated, gesticulating wildly: “In such a community as Columbia, one might expect the populus to be immune to typic fads and such superficialities as one’s outward form. I suppose this is all one can expect in the Age of Technology and Social Media dominance.” Other comments were in the same vein, expressing concern that the Captain was suffering from body dysmorphia, a condition common among dancers with exacting and toxic standards imposed on them by the performing arts community. The Fed suspects that perhaps this is all one BIG misunderstanding.
