On the afternoon of February 9, Claire Shipman announced via Instagram Live that the 2026 University Commencement would be moved to “the other side of the fucking moon” citing “cost restrictions” and also “genuine disdain for every single student that has every attended this university.” University administrators told The Fed that this decision was made while considering a wide range of possible commencement venues, including the urgent care center on 103rd Street and an actively sinking dock along the Hudson River.
“We think the other side of the fucking moon will be a great place for students and their families to come together and celebrate their accomplishments,” an unnamed University administrator said. “As guests defy gravity, we hope they will be distracted from how all of our decisions defy all logic and common sense.”
Students are not all pleased about this extraterrestrial decision. “I haven’t even been to the near side of the moon,” griped Saul Idground CC’26. “And it is going to be such a pain to coordinate interplanetary visas for my parents and siblings.” Other undergraduate seniors expressed similar concerns about travel costs and having to weigh down their graduation caps to prevent them from floating into outer space after the cap toss.
