NEW YORK – A massive winter storm blanketed the tristate area in eight to twelve inches of fresh snow today, forcing schools and businesses to close. However, for members of the Columbia fraternities, the inclement weather conditions were reportedly indistinguishable from any other weekday. “Yeah, I guess there’s like, white stuff everywhere? Didn’t really notice,” one undisclosed frat member told The Fed, standing in a sleeveless shirt in his unheated dorm room, while vigorously rubbing his nose. “Pretty standard morning, honestly. Wait, is 8 inches a bad thing?”
At press time, fraternity members were reportedly confused why the entire city seemed so excited about something they described as “not even that much.” Columbia students celebrating the remote learning day were encouraged to enjoy the snow via sledding or snow angels. Meanwhile, the brothers hit the slopes on frat row, where they confirmed conditions were “pretty white” and “honestly just like every other day.”
