On Sunday, January 25th, faculty, students, and other members of the Columbia community were informed that Jennifer Mnookin, chancellor at a safety school, was selected as the next President of Columbia University. When approached by a Fed reporter earlier this evening, Mnookin said, “I’ve got a feeling we aren’t in Wisconsin anymore!”
Columbia University officials told The Fed that, with a snow storm actively impacting New York City, there was no better time to announce Mnookin as Columbia University’s next president. “Given that it’s well below freezing, we couldn’t think of a better time to welcome Jennifer Mnookin, who can handle the cold far better than any of our current leadership,” said a spokesperson. “We’re hoping that Mnookin’s experience with the cold will help her rebuild trust with the Columbia community. At Wisconsin, she was known to pelt students with snowballs from her office. We’ve heard that she has quite the arm!”
Sources close to the President’s Office informed The Fed that Mnookin was spending some time getting acclimated to the bustling environment of New York City. She has reportedly been completing a movie marathon consisting of some of the city’s most iconic movies, including “The Godfather” (1972) and “New York Minute” (2004). According to students at Wisconsin, Mnookin was spotted practicing some new slang, complaining about how “brick” the weather is, and yelling, “What the fuck are you Mnookin’ at? I’m walking here!” at an innocent passerby.
