In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence hall, the CARES Community Safety team appointed a new Security Chief Alpha, 6’3 former-CEO Hugh G. Thruster. Recent survey reports from 616 residents demonstrate a higher percentage of on-campus safety, one resident claiming that Thruster’s, “dark, brooding orbs gaze deep into my soul, sending me waves of safety and pleasure.”
Following the first intrusion, the trespasser made a second attempt at entering the building, but was quickly stopped by Thruster. One witness stated, “he just materialized out of thin air like my sole protector. His broad shoulders and tall frame shielded me. He intensely glared at the trespasser and said, ‘no one touches my kittens,’ and then flung the guys against the wall. It was incredible and sexy. I almost wanted him to pin me against the wall next…”
Since that night, a strange, magnetic cloud of aura has formed over 616. Students claim the mere echo of his footsteps sends shivers down their spines. Others admit to a sensation of “fire within my core” whenever Thruster makes brief eye contact when swiping their ID for entrance. Now, every full moon, students said they can hear a low, commanding howl ripple through the halls—a warning, yet one that leaves hearts racing.
When asked for a statement, Thruster loomed over our reporter, with a nasty snarl and threat in his eyes, growling, “get out.” Needless to say, we at The Fed have resolved to maintain our distance for now, that is, until the next full moon.
