With the holiday season quickly approaching, students and faculty alike are all getting ready to take a step back from work or school in order to have time with our loved ones and cool off after a long year. For one man, however, the work is just beginning. Christopher Kringle, fondly known in households across the world as Santa Claus, generously took time out of his very busy schedule to talk to The Fed about his holiday wishes.
The Fed: So Mr. Kringle, or can I call you Chris, what are you looking forward to this Christmas?
Kringle: Well, ho ho ho I’m looking forward to spreading the Christmas spirit to children across the world as is my rightful duty every December 25th. It is my greatest joy to give each and every person what they truly desire, but sometimes, requests pass beyond the limits of my abilities. For example, this year, Columbia University president Claire Shipman posted to me a very long list of demands, many of which I simply do not believe my elves are equipped to deliver.
The Fed: How long was this list exactly? Would you say… Longer than the list of demands given to Columbia University by the Trump administration?
Kringle: Yes, I would say longer. It started off pretty tame, asking for a cashmere sweater and tickets to a Commanders game. Easy stuff, reasonable and tasteful. But as I continued to read the extensive list, the demands got more and more lofty, rendering my typically sufficient team of elves completely useless. She wrote, “I’d like the students to respect me and my authority. I’d also like all the students to bow down to my will and embrace me fully as their chief.” This is where the handwriting began to get illegible, but I did get the last item, which was “$200 million.” It’s gluttonous and frankly absurd! My elves simply can’t make that!
The Fed: How interesting, Chris. She seems to be taking advantage of your jolly spirit and willingness to provide.
Kringle: That’s correct. It truly does pain me to not be able to give every single person in the world exactly what they want, but it does help that she’s on the naughty list.
The Fed: She is?
Kringle: …duh
The Fed: Figures. Anything else to say?
Kringle: Nope! Thanks for listening to me, Fed. Your great work got you on the nice list. Spec will get coal in their stockings. .
Paid for by Santa and Co.
