Another mystery of faith solved! Through divine revelation, God has delivered to Pope Leo XIV new Catholic doctrine: the true second coming of Christ is inside those dining hall vending machines, within which Our Savior miraculously turns water into a delicious medley of beverages, including Orange Vanilla Hi-C and Lime Diet Coke. “Revelation is upon us,” cautioned the Pope, supping upon a Sprite mixed with vanilla Barq’s Root Beer (and a splash of milk!). “Or this is the work of some new saint. Has anyone virtuous been crucified on a Freestyle machine recently?”
Reports of the mysterious multiplication of fish sandwiches and the emergence of the stigmata left by students “greening out” on the couches in the back serve as further evidence of a heavenly presence in the vicinity. To those in search of miracles, The Vatican recommends performing the sign of the cross on the touchable interface: the Father (Mr. Pibb), the Son (Coca-Cola), and the Holy (Minute Maid Zero Sugar) Spirit (Hi-C). Furthermore, Baptisms with Zero Sugar Rise Orange Vitaminwater will now be performed on Sundays during the closed dining hours (10am-12pm).
