It’s no secret that Columbia security has a stick up their ass. If you’re a resident of New York trying to bring your baby onto campus to touch some grass, or a lovergirl always forgetting to register her boyfriend from the purple school—I mean, NYU, that’s not gonna fly. Here’s a list of ways to get around that.
1. The Aritzia Superpuff: You’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, we’ve all seen it. Stood there in that glass display window, a winter coat that would put all the geese in Canada to SHAME. We’ve calculated that just one of these coats can fit you and all of your sneaky links, and I mean all of them. Yeah. That many.
2. Trojan Horse: Columbia University is comparable to the city of Troy, and its ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing is a Trojan Horse. You, your husband, and your three dogs can all hide in this ten foot tall Greek-inspired wooden structure designed specifically to piss off public safety.
3. Pouf hairstyle: The bigger the hair, the closer to God. Whether it’s a 1950s beehive or 2000s pouf, Big Hair is BACK, baby, and this time it’s here to assist you in bringing your friends onto campus. Not only does this method allow for care-free frolicking on Butler lawn, but you would also be repping the Fed’s favorite musician and philanthropist: Dolly Parton <3333
4. Lion Dance: If you’ve ever been in Butler Library for a grind session on Wednesday or Sunday, then you’ll know those walls aren’t soundproof to Columbia’s Lion Dance troop. This vivacious group of cultural reenactors harbor more than just the adorable lions that prance around shaking their butts to drumbeats and gongs: they are the proud owners of approximately a dozen lion heads, each equipped with four cubic feet of empty space perfect for your entire family.
5. Jumping the gate: If all else fails, you could always just jump the gate and see if you can run faster than an out-of-shape Apex security guard.
