Continuing their multi-year saga of controversial decisions, Columbia’s administration has recently announced that their famed merch store will, shockingly, continue to sell books. The store, which sprawls below the basement of Lerner Hall, is renowned for selling merchandise that is not only of a high caliber, but also for a low price. Favorite items include sweatshirts, women’s sweatshirts, sweaters, and, when the student body is feeling particularly adventurous, hooded sweatshirts (colloquially known as hoodies). Yet strangely, the administration apparently still feels the need to continue also selling books—a seemingly unprofitable side hustle.
“To be honest, I didn’t even know we sell books,” said one sweatshop store cashier when asked for comment. “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Other store employees showed similar shock at this announcement, with many pronouncing that the only books they’d seen a student buy were the Sopranos and Sex in the City quote books that stand beside the cashiers. “I just hope that this isn’t depriving us of space for more merch options,” said one concerned student. “I was really hoping for Columbia to roll out some more blue sweatshirts—I just don’t feel like I can find a shade to match my vibes. Cerulean would be, like, a welcome addition.”
Columbia told the Fed that their intention with this policy was more directed toward aesthetics than actual economic efficiency. Apparently, the campaign is intended to create a “dark academia vibe” within the bookstore. The Fed has sent several reporters to investigate whether the books are genuine texts or prop shelf fillers, but all have unfortunately become distracted by the bountiful racks of glorious Columbia sweatshirts before they could reach the shelves.
