We all know the infamous Butler Library architrave—engraved with the names of dead, white dudes who chiseled the literary canon and the “examination of the human condition” into what it is today, spewing earth-shattering bars like, “know thyself.” These men are the reason we have 200-person Intro to Philosophy courses where that one dude in the first row acts like he gets a dollar every time he says “paradoxical.” These notorious thinkers comprise the basis of every performative man’s Goodreads, make their way into every Classics professor’s sexual fantasy, and end up in every Core student’s burn book.
This iconic frieze on Columbia’s most dreaded and revered building, however, has recently been sanded down with the intention of renting it out as advertising space to multi-million-dollar companies, clearly as a last-ditch effort to revive the University’s frail finances. Chris P. Chickin, founder and CEO of Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers, said, “Gosh, I’m just honored to be seen alongside my predecessors and thrilled to finally be recognized as one of the greats.” Other companies soon to be featured include Celsius, Tesla, OpenAI, DoorDash, and Tito’s. Claire Shipman is optimistic that this initiative will not only make up for lost funds, but also be beneficial to the Columbia community.
“I’m worried that not enough students are parlaying their business and economics degrees into entry level consulting jobs at massive corporations,” Shipman said. “With this undeniable triumph of corporate America, I know we can change that! Besides, I’m sick of people saying literature is a dying art. Let’s just make it a dead one!”
After a long week of mind-numbing construction at Columbia’s hottest library (during midterms, of course), the project is finally complete and the grand unveiling will take place instead of the beloved annual tree-lighting ceremony because Shipman “didn’t know that was a thing.”
