After dismounting from their camels and waiting in a gaggle of Barnard students, the three wise men finally reached the East Campus front desk. Fortunately, Joey, an EC resident, agreed to sign them in after they told him his situationship was giving birth to the messiah (he almost had a brief heart attack until Balthazar, one of the men, said the child wasn’t his, much to Joey’s relief).
However, the front desk guard eyed the three wise men’s bulky rucksacks with suspicion. Taking this luggage as a sign they planned to stay the night, the security guard informed Joey that he could only have two overnight guests.
“But sir,” the wise man Caspar protested. “We have traversed the vast desert to come here. We have witnessed the omen of the rising Star of Bethlehem, which signals the coming of the birth of the King of the Jews. Please let us pay homage to the messiah.” But the guard wouldn’t budge, so Melchior, the most selfless of the magi, agreed to wait in the lobby with some dejected Barnard stragglers while the other two accompanied Joey to witness the birth of Christ.
Melchior was nonetheless irritated by the whole situation. “Not only did I come all this way for nothing, but the other two wise men swapped their lame-ass gifts for my gold to give to the baby Jesus,” Melchior told a Fed reporter. “Now I’m stuck here with all this frankincense and myrrh, looking like an idiot.” Fortunately, after getting JJ’s with a Barnard girl, Melchior told us his mood had improved: “Whoever made these quesadillas ought to be King of the Jews!”
