Watch out, New York! Democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani has just been elected mayor in a landmark campaign for the Democratic Party. New Yorkers all around the city raise a glass tonight to celebrate the election of New York’s first mayor to meet his wife on Hinge.
Not so chipper tonight is Andrew Cuomo, Mamdani’s biggest opponent. Cuomo, most famous for being a perv and wildly fucking up during the COVID-19 pandemic as the state’s governor, had seen this campaign as something of his reintroduction to politics, and also as an effort to make poor people’s lives worse.
Cuomo blames the new “woke” generation of New Yorkers for wanting things to be so “radically affordable” and is planning on attacking this population straight at the source. In an interview with The Fed, Cuomo said that tonight, at 11:59, he and a faction of supporters will enter Basement, one of New York’s stinkiest and most famous nightclubs, where Cuomo claims that young people are routinely “radicalized.” “I’m sick of it,” Cuomo told our reporter. “People go into that place thinking it’s safe and come out loving Arca and Hugo Chavez. It’s time to stand up for our democracy.” Cuomo plans to take control of the DJ booth and exclusively play Kid Rock and “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey.
Cuomo also told our reporter that his supporters need not worry, he plans to identify and remove every Italian American from the nightclub and provide them with a complimentary “Team Cuomo” stromboli.
