MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, MANHATTAN:
This past Monday, when students in Columbia’s School of International and Public Affairs (SIPA) awoke to check their inboxes, instead of the usual slurry of job rejections and political newsletters, they were met with a memo containing the subject line “CONFIDENTIAL: DO NOT SHARE”, seemingly sent from former Secretary of State and SIPA Professor Hillary Clinton.
“I thought it was a phishing scam, because surely she did NOT do this again”, said one SIPA student, on the condition of anonymity. “But I let my curiosity get the better of me, and all of a sudden I was looking at hundreds of documents stamped ‘top secret’”.
History buffs will note that this is not the first time that former Secretary Clinton has mishandled classified information.
A representative from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, when asked about plans for containing the spread of government secrets, told The Federalist that “crooked Hillary is a Russian spy” and “but like, please don’t look at those.” President Trump has already commented on the incident on his platform, Truth Social. In a new poll posted to his account, users can now respond to the prompt “Should I lock her up NOW?” with “Yes!” or “Absolutely!.
At press time, the SIPA Dean’s Office had sent a follow-up message reminding students not to “reply all,” and Fox News had labeled Columbia as “a known safe haven for cybercriminals and gender studies majors.”
Disclaimer: The author absolutely would’ve voted for Hillary if he wasn’t eleven years old when she ran (and too short to slide the counterfeit ballot into the box).
