Tensions have been high on Saturday nights in the basement of John Jay Hall. Freshmen with nothing better to do in the City That Never Sleeps at 10:30 pm gather like vermin on the stairs, chomping at the bit for four half-empty bags of stale Doritos for a precious meal swipe.
Staff at JJ’s Place have resorted to using megaphones and dog whistles to tame the generally annoying and unresponsive crowds of out-of-touch 18-year-olds that “could never work at a place like this.” Crowds have gotten so large that Public Safety has resorted to protest-dissolving protocol after mistaking the group’s passion for “getting the most out of their money” for anything related to any real cause.
In an interview with The Fed, one of JJ’s entrance staff members said, “I have never been looked at with such disgust after asking ‘Dine-in or Express.’ They crowd the staircase, stand past the yellow line, and look at me with dead eyes while I swipe their card.” There was a generally somber vibe in the once joyous dining hall, but the consensus was that this era must end. Saturday Night JJ’s Express will not be missed by anyone but those damn kids.
