Fred Shmen didn’t think much of it when his parents told him they’d be making the trip from Canton, Ohio for Parents’ Weekend. However, when he went to sign them into campus at the 116th gates this morning, he saw that they’d decided to bring a special guest along with them: Fred’s 14-year-old brother, James.
Fred stopped in his tracks. “He can’t come in, he doesn’t have a QR code,” Fred snapped furiously. His parents replied that they’d checked online and that minors can enter campus with parent supervision. “God damn it,” muttered Fred, cursing his parents for having a better grasp of Public Safety’s rules than any student.
“It’s maaad brick outside,” James said, to no response. Fred’s parents informed him they were a little bit hungry from the flight, so Fred kindly offered to take them to a dining hall. It was only when they crossed the threshold to Chef Mike’s and he saw James’s eyes light up that Fred realized the grave mistake he’d made.
“Yo Ock!” James eagerly shouted at the dining workers. “Lemme get a baconeggandcheese, the Ocky Way!” Fred immediately slunk into a corner and covered his face from the gazes that began turning in his direction. He could feel his face growing red as he glimpsed dozens of rolling eyes and pointing fingers.
After another painful minute, James received his sandwich, and Fred breathed a sigh of relief. He tried to quickly usher James out of the dining hall, but a kindly Chef Mike’s worker informed James he had forgotten his drink, to which he replied, “Can’t forget the bev! Neva neva neva!”
We at The Fed offer our condolences to Fred and his social cred, and suggest that next year he just go home to visit during Fall Break instead.
