In the good news section for Freshman incels, high school loser Harry Smelton has been popping off the charts at rush events. After a few minor adjustments to his vocabulary, he quickly hit it off with the bros at Beta.
Harry learned a few new key terms: instead of saying “femoids,” using the term “birds” quickly elevated his status. Gone are the days where Harry said: “damn femoids never think about us nice guys,” and in are the days of “Yo bird, why the fuck aren’t you talking to a brother.” Mr. Smelton has quickly picked up on drinking brewskis with the broskis at rush events, and what he doesn’t know about football he makes up for with his vaguely racist yet oddly specific beliefs. Harry “the smelly smell” Smelton, as brothers now call him, was worried at first he wouldn’t find a community at Columbia accepting of his “fiscally conservative but socially liberal” viewpoint. But he quickly found that the comments he slides awkwardly into conversation like “maybe the tariffs aren’t so bad,” “I don’t support ICE buttttt,” and the classic “you have to admit this Zohran Mam-muslim guy,” are actually supported and “sendy” according to brothers. Furthermore, the issue of “ratio” at parties has become a new project for dear Smelly; manning the door, he now has the ultimate ego-stroking ability to both objectify women and assuage his perceived shortcomings of masculinity through sage expressions like “if you’re not a brother or fucking brother, get the fuck outtttt.” Smelly is a shining example of how new opportunities for Greek-life-curious students on campus can be transformative. For more exciting details on rush, look for upcoming NSOP Seminars “Under One Roofie” and “Sexual Violence Training and Tips.”
