In a recent campus-wide email, Barnard Dining notified the student body that Liz’s Place has been sued by the Federal Trade Commission for consumer protection violations, including anti-competitive behavior. The lawsuit describes how Liz’s Place leverages its role as the only coffee shop on Barnard’s campus to force consumers to accept lower product quality at a higher price.
“Based on interviews with Liz’s student patrons, it is apparent to my office that the coffee served has been declining in flavor and richness since drink prices (measured in Barnard Points) began increasing,” said FTC Chairman Andrew N. Ferguson (I miss you, Lina Khan). “One especially notable case is that of the iced caramel macchiato with oat milk, which has increased in price from $3.75 to $7.35 over the course of eighteen months. This price gouging has corresponded with a decrease in coffee quality measured by increases in the shit-inducing and bitterness indexes.”
Students hope that the lawsuit brings some much-needed caffeinated justice to campus. One student told The Federalist that she was “tired of drinking fuckass coffee that destroyed her fucking bowels out of weak fucking paper straws.” Another griped, “If I wanted disgusting brown sludge in a cup, I would just go to Pret.”
To avoid full legal consequences, Barnard Dining is considering converting the Sushi Spot back into a Peet’s Coffee as part of a settlement with the government. Members of the administration have also proposed replacing various water fountains with cold brew machines.
